How To Raise a Narcissist (humorous)

We’re raising a generation of narcissists — but we could always do with more. We know the world rotates around us, and our kids should feel the same way.

It’s working great for New Zealand so far — our kids have never been happier — or is that sadder? I forget.

Anyhoo, let’s keep it going with my 5 Step Narcissistic Personality Plan.

STEP 1: Make your kids the center of your world.
A narcissist needs to know that they are first in importance and that their needs come before mum and dad's. This builds a healthy superiority complex.

You do this by making the routines of your life completely circle your child — being sure to make your partner feel last.

The love you have for your kids needs to be more important than anything — including whatever love you have left for your partner.

This may mean the relationship with your partner doesn’t survive — but that’s ok, because your emotional and physical needs are less important than your child's, and you need to realise this.

STEP 2: Make no gadget off-limit.
You need to make sure they know that their siblings toys and or your important gadgets are absolutely theirs to play with — as they choose.

It’s vital you don’t put any boundaries around their play, so they know their happyness is more important than their brothers, or sisters or even yours.

You should break the ice early by teaching them to use your device as a baby. 

STEP 3: Avoid conflict with your kids.
By avoiding conflict you let them know their feelings matter — but yours do not.

The key here is to let them do what they want and don’t be in charge.

The moment you’re in charge — it’ll make them more aware of the world around them — bringing a sense of control and empathy. You don't want them to have empathy — its the enemy of narcissism.

STEP 4: Keep them safe from mistakes.
Narcissists don’t learn from their mistakes — so don't let them make any.

To do this — worry more about their phycological health than your own and keep them from feeling any pain.

You absolutely do not want them to feel life's struggles — so that when they fail or fall — someone else is to blame.

STEP 5: Don’t let them help others.
Serving others takes your mind off your own issues and gives you purpose — but a healthy narcissist realises that true purpose is found in serving themselves.

To help your child find their purpose — don’t engage them in any kind of community care, such as feeding the poor, or making a meal for a neighbour. Serving others risks transforming your family into a loving, caring, warm environment — the enemy of narcissism — and a better future.

So that’s my 5 Step Narcissistic Personality Plan. I hope you enjoyed my little dig at us all, including myself — the biggest narcissist of them all.