Attachment Theory - Why dads need to know about attachment

Attachment isn't typically taught to dads — and yet if it was, I think it would change everything. Fathers, if you are at all strategic — today's post is one you'll want to think about.

First off the research shows we’re all born hardwired for attachment - some will say it;’s by evolution, others say it’s by design - but all agree - we’re all born hard wired with a need for attachment with other humans.

Children form attachments to their main caregivers, which obviously can include their mother and father. These early attachments are as fundamental to life and as essential to growth as breathing and eating. 

After these primary relationships are formed children may form secondary attachments with others close to them - like their grandmother or grandfather. 

Research indicates that even though kids might have lots of adults who love them, they will likely only have 3 or 4 strong attachment relationships.

Now, When attachments are healthy and secure it sets a child up for success

Children who are securely attached as infants develop stronger self-esteem and better self-reliance as they grow older. These children also tend to be more independent, perform better in school, have better social relationships, and experience less depression and anxiety.

Sound good? Gosh… it might explain some of my issues. But issues come in all shapes and sizes….I don’t know what your relationship is like with your parents, but today’s episode is called the cheats guide to parenting - because it’s going to help us do this stuff better then our parents, no matter how messy our lives look now.

And the great news is - 90% of it seems to be about getting attachment theory sorted.

So, here’s the deal.

Kids need secure attachment - but adults need it too… the parenting classes don’t teach that…

The parenting classes can put all sorts of pressure on mums to create a secure attachment - that she ends up putting you and her last.

A big challenge in any home is to keep a secure attachment with your partner while you’re tying to do family.

You put the kids first by putting her first - happy wife happy life. 

If she’s feeling secure it’ll help her build security into the kids.

Does your partner feel secure - are you partnering with her in a way that makes her feel secure? 

Women - what about your man - how well are you maintaining your attachment with him? What do you need to be doing to build security and confidence in your relationship?

Now men - a big part of attachment theory is closing the circle. The simple idea that when things go wrong you need to make them right.

Been harsh - say sorry.

Been an argument - apologise

Someone has to be the leader.

This stuff applies to your relationship with your kids and your partner.

Kids need secure attachments - they need to know that you are there for them. 

Now it doesn’t mean mums and dads  have to be complete slaves to their children - but it does put all sorts of pressure on mums. So dads - you do need to be there for mum - how can you do that better today.

But mums and dads - you have to realise you guys need a strong and healthy attachment too.

Hows your relationship?

Are you listening to each other?

Are you hearing each other?

Are you attaching physically enough?

Are you connecting well enough emotionally.

Remember happy wife, happy life and a big part of providing a secure home for your child is them having a mum and dad that love each other.

And hey - if you don’t live with the mother of your children - then you’ve got the added challenge of providing this security from a distance.

Listen, kids having strong attachments to dads is important. The parenting experts don’t really teach that today, probably because there are so many homes with dad not in them, they just don’t know how to talk about it.

All the parenting experts talk about the importance of infant attachments with mums. 

But dads - having secure attachments with your kids is very important too.

Kids thrive when dad is present. And that’s not necessarily about being in the same home. We know a lot of dads aren’t present even if they live at home.

But research does show that children who grow up without consistent father involvement commit more crimes, become teenage parents more frequently and are unemployed more often than are children who grow up with an actively involved dad.

And so the challenge for separated dads is to stay involved and to look to build and maintain healthy attachments with your children - from a distance. 

To be present - even though you’re not present all the time.

Now I’d love to have all the answers for that - but I don’t but I imagine it will have a lot to do with not playing games and not undermining their mother.

It will have a lot to do with being constant with your kids, being reliable and making sure your new relationships and new home environment feel secure when your kids come to visit.

I imagine they are the base line things you need to get right then also think about how you can become an emotionally and physically secure and present figure in their lives.

The research is clear dads - your kids need  a secure attachment with you and you need it too.

No matter what has gone on - no matter what you’ve done, or not done - any effort today to closen your relationship with your family is really really important.

But I’m not doing this post to make you feel challenged or to make you feel stink - I really just wanted to give you the cheats guide to attachment.

Which in short is simply this - love the mother of your kids - love your kids.

Be there for them. Be present.

If you can’t love the mother of your kids anymore. Be there - be present.

Never underestimate just how important your presence is in their lives - no matter the mess.

And - if there is a rupture in the relationship that needs to be repaired - someone needs to lead. Whilst not everything can be fixed, saying sorry makes a lot of things better - so start there.

 So that’s the cheats guide to attachment - that’s me for the day, I’m out of here.